GameChangers

Lord, I started this life with the idea that I wasn’t going to have kids but I think the Universe loved me so much, wanted me to GET ON THE RIGHT PATH for so long, that it blessed me with my kid. I tell you, I was going to be that parent who set up nanny services and was jetting off…..that ex and I planned a trip to Amsterdam shortly after my projected due date, but I didn’t get halfway - through my pregnancy before I started having complications….

I am so thankful I am the parent that I am today. I look at the physical and it sucks somethings, but there’s my baby, looking at me and so I am his hero and we get through it. I think without him, I would have fell back on old habits, you know the things that give you pleasure in a moment but you realize it is just covering for sadness or something. My baby gave me purpose in the moments I didn’t know what to do during my divorce, my moves, and even this spiritual awakening. It’s like, he says so many things that resonant with whatever it is that’s going on and it’s through him I started really hearing and paying attention to the Divine. Kids are blessings that way, and a lot of parents tend to miss that. Yeah I was one of those parents that wanted him to go along with the other kids, until some of those influences started popping up at home….I wasn’t overprotected of him and still don’t believe I am, I just want him to grow up with as much as “him” intact and not influences of some of the other kids. His friend group….they were all such cute little boys but spending time with them and their parents outside of school really opened my eyes to the fact I didn’t want my child imitating these particular group of friends because I could see the problems with the parents that caused some of the behaviors with the boys and I would just rather not. I was more sad for my child then the actual meet-ups when I stopped meeting up with his little class friends, and decided to home school him. We are still in the in between state I guess, he plays well with other kids when we go to the park, kids in our current neighborhood…..we don’t have friends he would spend the night over and truthfully probably never will….but in the last year we have not had the “traditional” life either. I desire and I know he desires friends like he had when he went to school, but I’m in the state of mind where I have to like the parents and the child have to like my child….it can’t be how it was in the past where I felt I had to deal with the parents for the sake of friendship for my child. No. It sucks but I would rather be the bad guy to him in the future over it but sometime tells me I wont. He may have left his little friend group first, but the group seemingly disbanded at the end of the school year, life is life -ing for everyone!!! I notice the people of the past that are trying their best to hold on to routines and things, maybe makes them feel like a family or makes them feel they are not “behind” the other parents and I see how it affects their kids…..I have always had that relationship with my baby where I am talking to him about everything in a way he understands and I have been blessed that all the things I were doing to help him keep up with his little friends, he didn’t even want!!! When things went South for me financially, I listen to him more and realized he was really a content kid. He don’t care about particular shoes, as long as he has his games, as long as he has a phone to play with, books to read, we go to fun kid themed places, as long as I talk with him, play with him, he don’t care about football lessons, he liked karate but truthfully, did he care to continue it?? Come on now!!!! I realized a lot of the parents make things harder and weirder financially sometimes because of their expectations for their kids. As long as my baby is healthy and happy, I don’t care what he is into. Yeah he probably wont be playing for a major sports team, but that’s the goal right???

Well that’s my goal. As my baby clung to life in the NICU I promised to God I would be the mother that always listen, always made life as easy as I can with my baby. I remember I was in class when it hit me I didn’t have my period. I was sucking on a daiquiri to0, probably “taco tuesday” because it was strong as hell, but I was convinced that was the thing that was needed while I was in my evening anatomy lab—sigh. I got a pregnancy test after class and sure enough, I was pregnant. I was married but did not know what to do. I had been popping plan B’s and that still didn’t save me……

I took back everything I did bad in my marriage too talked to my child’s father about it, told him karma was paying me back—-said I would fly straight, threw away my “toys”, deleted a lot of videos, I was going to be the boring GOD fearing woman to give my baby a chance at life. My baby pulled through, MORE than pulled through and before he even came home, I probably got a sign everyday to leave that father of his. I finally handed him the papers before the end of that year and I’m 100 percent glad everyday I made the decision to leave him. I would have never been able to have the relationship I have now with my baby, and my relationship with him is all that matters. I like to think he is the “love” outside of me, and by me loving him fully and openly I was able to see the parts of myself that needed love/affect from a parent. I put that into him and it helps fill my cup……I don’t know how I would have lived life without him. Oh yeah, I know, continuing to drink and live impulsively to keep the crowd laughing.

Yeah, God put my baby in me because he knew I was better than being a fool with other fools. I wasn’t reading the signs right either. Like I said, I had been plunged into isolation so many times since Middle school. I see, hear and feel the implications of what I didn’t let go and I let it ALL go in these last two years!!! It has not been easy, but it was necessary to see, the areas I was hold into that provided nothing, playing into lack, the negativity, you have to deal with your past traumas and wounds, so they wont continue to plague you. That’s why there are shitty parents, they can’t fast their past…….. My baby and I, and my doggie, deserve to have the best life ever. I refuse to hold on to anyone or anything that doesn’t serve my family, uplift me, I don’t have to be the vessel for others wounds or projections. I’m fine with being the example of what happens when you keep pushing forward with your standards intact——a promise I made when my baby came into this atmosphere that I intend on keeping no matter what.