Dealing with the illusions……

I am sure you have felt it, those moments where you can’t imagine it being real, whether it is a moment of joy or even that of sadness……but when you are going on a path you should not follow, there will be a collage of moments and hardships you will either push through or understand for what it really is and change the direction you are going. The same month I quit my job with the state, is the same month I had to end the situation-ship and the months that followed, I saw everything that could go wrong with every client I had. I was trying to go through the motions of being a realtor, but I even felt my heart wasn’t in it anymore. It was really that man’s dream, or idea of a dream that I was doing, not MY DREAM!!!! The breakdown of my situation-ship, hit me harder than I thought, the new clients I got seemed to play with me more than the idea of them actually really wanting a home, so it was getting tough on the physical side. I wasn’t fully aware then, but a new way of making money outside of the commission checks was trying to establish itself then….

I had been consistent with my marketing and I was able to make money off of views through social media….the big thing I noticed is that people beyond my city and even the Country would reach out to me, seems like the same thing was happening with real estate as it had when I was a case worker, I became the source for info on specific subjects. It’s a gift, I was forced to have, being the oldest daughter in a toxic family environment, but something I have been able to use to help me and others.

None of the people I was in contact in the past physically, have access to me except the birth portal and my nephew, but before I decided to shut the lights down on the physical part of my business, I unblocked my messages and read thru some of them. So many people depended on me to always be there to answer or help quell whatever problem they were having without even asking me what was going on. Out of the hundreds of people I knew, have known, only two of them cared to asked what was going on or what happened to me and they were not family!!!!!

All that to say, this is when I began to understand and explore my power. For so long, I had been that vessel the needy came to dump on, get ideas off of, some type of help and I convinced myself I was fine with being a “helper”. I didn’t expect most of those people to help me seriously in my business, but I saw something in everyone I had talked to on a regular basis that I felt would benefit me in the future and just assumed they would stretch out their necks for me…..not a one of them did. But when I was in communication with some of them, they would always tell me who had just gotten a house……they stayed playing in my face.

But the cold hard fact is, I willingly allowed these people and illusions to sway me to helping them because I myself was looking for validation…..it’s the reason I decided to keep my head down and just do what I needed to do while I was in high school. I thought making the Honor Roll would get the bitch of a birth portal to finally see me and stop wishing the negative on me. According to her, I was a sneaky slut and a strumpet!!! One time, on one of her good mood days, she called me a strumpet because I made a high score while we were playing scrabble and to top it off it was a word she was unfamiliar with. Yeah she chose, strumpet over “retarded”, “stupid” or “idiot” that day, but it didn’t matter what the word was, I was tired of her trying to get me to believe she was smarter than me because for the same reason she would call me and my sister names, she acted like a bigger sister more than mom most times in telling us how smart she was or how we would never accomplish a certain thing. By that time she had already told me she had to get a GED and basically just hung around until she decided to go to the Military in her late 20’s. I had also discovered the sperm donor had another child by looking at his paperwork in his belongings while he was out whoring and/or sticking whatever and whoever in his vein. She laughed after calling me a strumpet and said some other unfavorable things I don’t really remember but I remember her being so proud of whatever all she said, had one of my little sisters laughing at her silliness…..I uttered four words quietly, “You are a joke”. She actually heard me and that sobered her ass up real quick from the foolishness she uttered. We were as tall as her at that time, so instead of whooping us she would actually get her big ass in a fighting stance to fight me or my sister little ass sister—-(None of us were over 100lbs when we graduated high school except the youngest one), when she realized the belt wasn’t going to do it anymore. I held my ground and told her after all her yelling, I hadn’t done anything to be called that but of course she was already on her favorite track listing of “Children Obey you parents” and attempting to put her hands on me.

One thing to note is if your parent, (caregiver and or provider) do not like you, nothing you can say or do will get them to change how they act towards you. They know they are wrong too, they will do or say little things to indicate they will change, but their actions will ALWAYS show you they are still the same person your soul is trying to disengage with. You were not built to serve, you are here to follow your mission and when people with a title (mom, boss, friend), try to trick you into giving them a respect they haven’t earn, that chips away at your inheritance. Your inheritance is the opportunities and doors that will open when you stay true to yourself basically. Yeah, it hurts when a parent treat you like shit, but that only means your purpose is bigger than the moment they are trying to get you to “mind” them. People with no power and no real way of getting it, demand a respect they often seen their own parents/elders in their communities referenced to…..but stick with me—- those people were/are only the vessels used to get you in this reality, they are really karmics and you have to learn the hard times they inflict on you is part of their mission to help you learn, or rather break the cycle you are in to get you to the next level in your mission…..

It got to a point in my journey, I felt it was necessary to leave the state I lived in for so long. Going up north, the past months ago, was a breather and it helped me think and put many things in perspective with the illusions. I knew I couldn’t run away from my problems forever, but I needed a break, inspiration, something to help see my life in a different perspecive….do you know this is exactly what shook me??? I began to notice people really noticing me and my baby AND my dog!!! First it was pleasantries, then it was free things here and there, food, extended stays, admission tickets to kid theme places…..I even caught a few people at some of the places we visited taking pics/videos of me/us, some of them making conversation with me to figure out who, what I was, why I was in the area…but it was the biggest thing I noticed to leaving the state I had been in most of all my life. Sometimes, that’s what it takes too, getting away from the people that you see everyday and putting yourself in a new environment and seeing how it responds to you. I thought of what I could do with the second content creation account I wanted to create, and I was learning how to stop paying attention to the 3D as much. While carrying out parts of this plan, I got into a car accident and I immediately panicked, seriously, it wasn’t even a big accident but the work that was needed to my car, I couldn’t take care of at the time and I just kept thinking, I could at least ride the bus if I went back “home”. Sometimes I wish I took more time to think about it, but I’m all about that—- “Just do it” mentality now. It had been almost two years but I went with my first mind and called the only person I knew would “help” me, the birth portal…..sigh. As much as it hurt me to do this, I knew I had to deal with her once and for all but whispers of my intuition also told me——this is it, It’s time to put on my big girl panties and fight this illusion once and for all. Of course it is easier to stay with a low aggresive narc instead of battling the cruel world, but another part of my purpose is to show how everything that happens to us, do so because of our thoughts and actions and I might as well show you all in real time how I will do it.

It’s like, I was equipped with knowing all of these things but I have been too lazy or uninspired to do them. I had to let the pain of so called family soak in before I shook myself back on track….it’s like that. I believe this journey is a lot easier than what we make it. Yeah it’s hard at first, but it gets easier when you become aware. Over the past months, I kept wanting to watch “Inception” and instead of digging it out of my storage, I looked to streaming options. I kept doing this until low and behold it became available on Netflix. What happens when you don’t pay attention to the projections? They don’t pay attention to you. I really have learned to ignore a lot of what was being said in my current environment and pay them dust……the projections bother me less and less.

But life is like this, you simply don’t entertain what you don’t want until you get what you want. This is something I have perfected as far as outside partners. It helps that most people are intimidated by me or don’t know if I am straight, gay or whatever, but I haven’t had anyone seriously try to talk to me since my situation-ship and trust me, I’m fine with it. In fact, I will share a story another day on how I manifested that situation-ship except I didn’t refer to it as that but I was 100 percent certain, I called that situation-ship to me. Kinda wanna do a video, I’ll see. For me, it’s a matter of applying this same principle with everyone and anything else; if the people I’ve known over the years would rather watch and hope I go through the motions of making conversation with them (like I unfortunately had over the years), good luck. As for any relationships I form in the future, they have to meet me where I am at; I’m not looking back or “looking at the good” with anyone. I look at actions, and looking back at my past actions over past people as I watched my whole world cave in, is something I do not plan on doing again. The slate is clean with everyone as far as I’m concerned - actions, not feelings now dictate the choices I make with any of these illusions.