So this is how I’ll Start….

You know the saying…, “I never had no one to look up to growing up, only people I certainly didn’t want to become”. I grew up in a perceived “Chrisitan/Pentacostal” home, but after breaking a lot of things down I am fully on board with the idea I was placed in this environment from that portal to learn all the things I needed to do when I finally became “aware”. The people I considered “family” was a narcssist mother, followed by a poor example of a father and three sisters, or flying monkeys that have been convinced in some way shape or form I am the problem of their lives….(sigh). My time has finally come to fight the past to meet my future………. There was a time when I really loved them or maybe I just felt guilty for not being a better, bigger sister during my teens. Now, if you asked me, I have my own family which includes my baby and my doggie but to them past people…….I’ll gladly play the villain——play, “Bad Guy” by Billie Ellish.

That birth portal of mine was convinced to live in the city of her husband, who she may or or may not have forced to marry but it is certain she didn’t want to have another abortion. She called herself getting “saved” (from who, from what, remains unknown) after I was born and maybe before my sister was born. But she was a full fledged Christian according to her, when she re-connected with her piece of crap husband to make the other three kids. The death of their son caused us to move and live in the country for a bit- with the maternal side who were not able to make a bigger impression in our lives outside of the brief months we stayed there. To say the least, the people who bought me into this world where C-Class Weirdos, (they don’t even grade A and to think I cried for their support (sigh))…..like really both of them. The birth portal continues to this day, 30 something years later bragging how her family is better because they helped us out when we came back to live in the paternal city….Both sides have solidified I’m better without any of them being in my life and I will never ever stay in spaces where I can’t shine comfortable, so there’s that.

For what it’s worth, I am glad I was born under the family I was when I hear or see how some of our peers grew up. Do you remember “turkey” from MAd TV???? They are kinda like that, a whole lotta bark and nothing to back it up - lol. That birth portal was and is the most aggressive I guess and I am GRATEFUL, the thoughts and past memories are colliding in her head…..she likely will have Dementia or Alzheimer’s, (her mother and others in her family are dead ringers for it and she haven’t lived a life where she will be excused from it). The birth portal I came from, is a jealous mother who strives to garner the attention of certain men, I am grateful to GOD she never had another man come into our home. We lived several places, we were homeless, we were stuck in a cult like church for a few years, but thank the Lord she didn’t allow another man outside of the sperm donor to live with us. I can’t say for certain she would have protected us if there were sexual abuse allegations, she sure isn’t a protector of her granddaughters in that manner, present day. But since she reached grandmother status (back in the 2000’s courtesy of her golden child), it seemed she went out of her way to allow things to happen to the grandkids for the sake of drama!!! I had plans on cutting off my family even then, but my love for those kids kept me attached the birth portal and the “sisters” longer than they deserved but I supposed was needed….(sigh). Lordy, I wouldn’t change a thing, like for real, FOR REAL!!!! I was suppose to learn everything the way I have for a reason; I look back at a lot of things and all I can do is laugh because I really thought, that was….life. But it’s not, when you don’t know, you don’t know, but as you learn, you have to slow things down so much to see it is you—-me, who dictates what happen to me.

Nonetheless, the birth portal was physically and mentally abusive. Sure we were sneaky kids, but sometimes she just lined us up whooping us saying she was whooping us for the old and the new, but more than likely it was cause that man didn’t come through and give the money he said he would, or she didn’t have enough money….she was always fussing about money and while I am not going to put words in her mouth, she made it seem her life would be better off without her four daughters. She always had older friends, but this one in particular, she would tell us what this lady said about us as if proof that we didn’t deserve to be living or something. She would tell us she should follow what this lady told her in giving us up to foster care since we didnt know how to appreciate her and didn’t listen to her. This lady died before I even graduated elementary school so yeah, I kinda always knew the birth portal didn’t like me. My little self would be processing the things she would tell us and wonder, “why would she say that”? I came to the conclusion before I could even write, she didn’t like me….it was after I had my own child I realized she hated all of her kids. Lord the negative things that lady would tell us—-the main one being “You would never amount to nothing”…..I knew, KNEW, these were things told to her when she was a kid. On her good days/mood (because of course she is bipolar but doesn’t take her meds) I would ask her about her childhood and regardless of how she would recount it, I knew she wasn’t telling the full truth or trying her best not to recount certain memories. As I got older I began to ask her why too many times and of course it became one of those moments of “Don’t worry about how I grew up, worry about now”. So yeah, guess I was a little social worker in the making. I saw all the problems around me and the way I was “taught” (parents, school, good ole television programming) you are here to be a help to your problems. Led me down a path of helping people most my life before I realized that was some bull.

I have learned to have a quiet resolve about the sperm donor. In the 5th grade I begged her to follow through with divorcing him; I thought at the very least it would stop her from beating on me since I was the only child blessed to have his whole dam face. I’m not going to lie, that sperm donor was my favorite person at one point, but let me keep it real, he was a terrible husband and father. When I was in elementary I had a very vivid dream of him abusing me, it was so weird because at this point he was probably homeless somewhere and hadn’t seen us for months. Of course I never told anyone but he didn’t take care of home, never apologized or took accountability for his lack of being a parent and as of Feb 2025 still has the nerve to act like a podcast negro—in his got dam 60’s!!!!! When I was good with one of my sisters a few years back, I told her we gave him too much power considering —-now she and the birth portal are the main ones that stand with him against me. I had enjoyable times with the sperm donor, but I always kept it real real with myself about who he was when he re-appeared in my life. This man came RIGHT before I graduated college, had me taking him from one side of town to the other for his job——BUT BUT BUT, keep in mind, I am aware now that those were the choices I MADE. I wanted a relationship with my father so I accepted whatever our relationship was. I had more than a few moments where I have had to correct him on some things. But somewhere in me, while I was worried he was the last family member I was talking to, it was like a weight lifted off my chest, not shoulders, but my chest when i stopped talking to him. I pondered on that and then here goes my baby who was about 4 at the time come and tell me that when he was over his house the last time he had to sleep in their bed and they told him to put the blanket on his head. I asked him directly if they had touched his private parts or hurt him and he said no. I asked him why they put the blanket on his head and he said he didn’t know. It was a vow I was never going to have to go back on, my baby was not going to go near than man without me, PeriodT!!! That’s why I don’t think I have the smoke for him like that. Any man that protects predators is a predator and he like most people in his sorry family knew his sister was with a predator. Trust, the less I think about scum like them, the better, maybe the birth portal was right about her family being better…….no no, I had a cousin who died of AIDS by a man who also impregnated her oldest daughter and that was the maternal side so yeah neither side was no better. But back to my birth portal’s dusty sperm donor, the best thing to have come from how I feel, always have felt about my father is that I have never slept or been with a man remotely likely him because let me further keep it real, he’s always been that measure of how much shit I could get away with and still have people like me. That man has never been a father figure to me no matter what he thought…..I got a pretty wide berth of things I plan on trying, in honor of him actually, lol. I also like how I could still laugh off of him—-like in one of his rants against me after no contact, he called me a hippy and I said, that’s it, there it is….he is jealous- lol. He used to dream, now he struggles and I dream over here with no stress….albeit I am living with the maternal narc. He forgets, I was the one he shared his dreams too, and we had a good ole talk on how he could accomplish them, first step, breaking up with that crack bottle he’s with. One of the last things I told him before I went no contact with him was that he could do better but he been with that thing for 20 something years, maybe he simply can’t. What’s even sadder he has given and said enough in the last 5 years for me to say, I’d have to keep my eye on him for certain—- between the birth portal saying she got “saved” after me, this man never living with us, him being fine with living with his gf who is obviously on drugs, she has daughters that have been sexually abused and when the mood and liquor is right, she’d be sharing her own sexual abuse story, then the nasty cherry on top, him proclaiming with proudness that he doesn’t change diapers, like he has to prove something…..There may have been very good reason that man didn’t live with us too!!!

But, I understand it now, that I was never meant to stay with these people. Many of those, like the karmics, where lessons…..lessons to help me understand who and what I was, what my boundaries are, what legacy it is I really want to leave….yeah they broke my heart and it’s a real possibility I will never see these people again. It’s a risk I’m willing to take. It’s’ time for real love, real friendships, genuine connections, happy moments and ultimately a happy life. We wasn’t made with stress, worry….I’m going to make it to the other side and I would like you to keep following to see. I myself don’t know how it will turn out, but I’m something of a lucky charm, I’ve lived in a luxury rental for a couple of months, traveled up north unexpectedly, all without a job, I’m focused now, learning to be more confident with my dream and just going for it. I have a real good feeling I’m going to go viral soon, or some random piece of opportunity is going to blow it’s self in my direction. …. I didn’t break these cycles for nothing…..when I was in that hospital 8 years ago, I made a promise to my baby who came into this world much earlier than expected, that I would protect him with everything within me and I will be the mother mine’s wasn’t. I never got the validation I was looking for from “family” but with everything I been through in the past year, for my baby to tell me I am his hero and he is glad he is with me, I don’t give a rat ass what anyone has to say. My baby says I’m his hero, and I know I am also going to be a part of a miracle that shakes me away from this toxic woman once and forever.