My Peace means so much…..

I was the oldest daughter, of course I was expected to watch my siblings when the portal decided she wanted to work a bit. Of course I had to do their hair, of course I had to pick them up from school with the car I paid a note on….. All the things your favorite family has bestowed upon their eldest daughter was the typical thing to do. Now they wonder why we want peace!!!

5th grade was when everything got weirder for me. My teacher, this Trinadadian or Jamican woman hated me and the friend group I was a part of the two years prior, I was seperated from. I guess that’s when I understood the difference between acquantainces and friends and realized I had no friends, just people I talked to. It’s been like this every since. Don’t get me wrong, I have had girlfriends I was close to, but I have never trusted anyone to tell them my deepest darkest things….. like that fucked up dream or vision I had of my dad abusing me when I was a kid, never told anyone that.

But I have been low key okay with it, made me feel like the observer even then that I know I am now. I’ve always been fine with this, even more so now because I understand the significance of not having every tom, dick and harry approaching me. So, this lesson I realized I just learned is very big to me and I know it will be for you……

When you understand, and I mean, really UNDERSTAND, inner-stand, all that good stuff, but when you truly understand how valuable your peace is, you will do EVERYTHING to hold on to it.

I stay with this birth portal, so on this particular day, I was arguing with it over……finances (the limiting belief I am trying to break). I keep telling myself afterwards, don’t ever argue with her about this again because is/she is a illusion and it is a choice I have to make to just say what is needed in the moment so that I am not arguing with it…….I’ve learned that if you don’t want it in your new reality, ignore it, don’t pay attention to it. This birth portal…you can’t ignore this heifer, she’s like a speed-horse on drugs when it comes to talking about money she is owed out of you. And the crazy thing is, when I’m arguing with her, I can always assure myself on how stupid the argument is, because she is also the type of individual who will shut up if she gets a drop of something out of me, so I ask myself again, why am I arguing with her???? That was how I stopped the last time. Hopefully that will be my last time. I have had to upgrade my thinking each time I find myself arguing with “it” over money. The double edged sword this lesson was, was that on the very same day, I took my nephew on a job interview, he decided he wanted to go to the mall afterwards, I took him…the birth portal called him, asked him where we were and in that moment I’ll just say hell took over his mind and he started yapping. I had been trying to tell/teach him to talk to her with candor, butter, sweetness, he is still cute enough to get away with it, but this moment of hell he released, caused the illusion to drag me into it!!!!! I was shocked because it happened so fast but then I self corrected myself before I made it back to headquarters. In the past weeks/months, I had been feeling sorry for my nephew, treatment from his parents, the birth portal and other insignificant people he just don’t know are, yet. I did pick up on the last month or so, him using me to fight his battles with (MY) birth portal so I told myself before he came over for the weekend to stop this because basically he needed to stand up to her. I saw taking him to his job interview as a way to get a frozen coffee, drive a bit—- what he saw was a trip to the mall he had been begging that birth portal to take him to that he was going to trick me into taking him, while I am driving her vehicle. When I realized this, I said okay, I can’t get mad at either of them because for starters, the birth portal always looking for chaos and you know she uses any situation and as for the nephew, he can’t use the butter with the people in his life because his hate is so strong for them but it works on me because of my love for him. I told him later as much as I can understand what he is going through, I can’t take him nowhere unless I tell him…..and that was it. I’m not breaking down anything because in the past weeks I notice a neediness in him that I am not willing to fulfill…... I am a mother to one child for a reason and my child is much younger than him. I am simply NOT willing to fight his battles and now he has to be an example like some of the others I have told him about. When we reconnected, the statement we came up with is “If it don’t make money, it don’t sense”. I will not help chaos take over, that’s why they say you have to get there first. In this case, he might be the only I pull up, but I see we both can’t get there together, as much as I love him. I can only hope he sees this time as a way to overcome that family until I can return for him…..but I’m keeping my peace at all costs.

So, I’m in the state of mind with all things, if it can’t push me forward, make me money, bring me joy, some form of abundance, I let it drift off to where it came from. Yeah it makes life a little boring right now, but I found it is more comforting that way. I realized long ago I had the type of energy that many gravitate to….I’m trying to switch that to the good things gravitating to me. I know things pop up, that’s all I want them to do, it pop up. I look at the fact I have not had a solid job over a year and yeah granted some things popped up, but I was never, ever without. Those situations worked themselves out each and every time. So I have to continue to tell myself, quit worrying—-I think it’s the worrying low key that is causing the weird situations to pop up!!! I’ve been cool with jamming out to the frequency music, chanting affirmations….anything to keep me away and off of the 3D when I don’t need to pay attention to it. The only person that could really bother me is the birth portal and since I’ve really let into keeping quiet, she has only been talking to me on a as needed basis. The old me would feel so bad, even sad with how little I say to her and try to feel the empty-ness…..the me now, smiles at the idea one of the main things she will recount is my baby’s laughter filling the quiet in the months she chose to act like a monitoring spirit more than a mother….freaking birth portal.