Being thankful for touch
Man!!! This gratitude thing is really paying off. I said I was going to 21 Days of listening to it, I started on the 23rd of last month….(I’ll do the math later) BUT, lord am I thankful for TOUCH….you know it’s really more important than some people make it seem and I am grateful when I was out there, I never confused sex for touch. Let me explain…. I came from a home where the birth portal did not hug us, BUT when we would see the sperm donor, he would play, hug us, love on us….sidebar, I know I saw the kid in him when he would play with us and I’m going to tell you, sometimes that’s all the magic you need to get you through hard moments when it seemed like they changed on you…..you ultimately realize, it was just so hard for them to be strong and fight temptations when they were trying to physically survive…….okay back to what I was saying, I felt I knew what love felt like, like your insides melt when you are around that person…. I felt like that for my dad, but I saw his actions were terrible….he gave what he could at that time.. and at that stage of my life—- but that was enough for me to understand it’s okay to touch people who make me feel like that inside……..this has been a a hard, and long battle baby, but I never gave up. I never gave into ANYONE who didn’t make my heart feel like that——NEVER, lord knows I came close because I almost mixed up sex and touch with that situation-ship….she was the only one and God, I took a hard stand when her touch turned on me because the sex………..
My touch, or rather the lack of touch from others in the past 2-3 years have helped me let go too. When I felt the birth portal had to come fly and save me, after not seeing each other in over 2 years, she reached in for a hug and I said, “Absolutely not”. So after hearing the “horrows” my nephew had to go through, my heart truly felt sad for him, but when he reached in for a hug…it was the final seal I needed to know to keep on my toes….he was going to be the biggest help to me and my biggest transformation before I disappear….. I’m learning to NEVER let any of my senses in the physical, deceive me about the intent of anyone. What I initially think and feel about them, is usually what it is and then I take that same mirror and determine wherein me, is the lack…..…..I went down a even deeper path then I wanted about myself that led me to physically delete somethings I held on to, to start this Only Fans account. As much as I liked making some of it, the energy was all over the place but it all reeked of one thing….desperation.
What I am calling in is pure, is clean, is legacy, is forever, is within me, not something that I have been taught I could easily make money off….that’s why that shit ain’t working, it is going against what it is YOU TRULY DESIRE!!!!! Do I want to become the biggest Only Fan star??? No, but we look at the chicks who made or is seemingly making it, and it’s like a side job…… the energy I put into that, is taking away from the time and energy I could be putting into my purpose……………seriously when I’m just being goofy on Tik-Tok in front of the camera and the likes are coming quicker and its making me feel warm, good inside, better than the few uptiks of dollars that come in from desperation videos??? The feeling doesn’t even compare or feel the same….see what I’m saying?? (In my head I’m giving myself Judy Judy energy, she always corrects me situations like these!!!) Fuck what you think, do what you you FEEL……….
