My Relationship with Food changed drastically
I just saw this chick on Tik-Tok talk about what skinny girls don’t tell you, they decenter breakfast, lunch and dinner. She is so correct.
At the start of 2020 I was already around 160lbs or so, on a 5’5 frame not bad, but I wanted to lose about 30lbs for vanity purposes. I was thinking of putting myself back out there, I hadn’t been with anyone since that ex husband, so I set out to have a summer celebrating, smh. But then the Pandemic, really took a hold and shut us down, I turned those plans to nothing and by April I had a regular routine of different places I ordered food from and trying out all of the decadent meals I could make. The food was good at first, until I realized I was just compensating; I got on the scale, saw I gained 20lbs at one point, but when I gained almost 40lbs, I started being real honest with myself. I had NEVER been that big or gained weight so fast. I started talking about my feelings and saving them on Snapchat, writing in my diary on a regular basis. I sorted out my sexual history, my family history, so called friends history… I was unhappy. I ate for comfort and so I reasoned with myself I had no choice but to get physical and then maybe go to therapy later on to work out the relationships part of my life. I was tired of yo-yo dieting even before that, I wanted to keep the weight off effortlessly.
In 2021, it started with the bacon, it started tasting funny to me, then all the other meat. Lord, as much as I love me a good steak, it was becoming more troublesome eating them. I went to a high end steakhouse and literally couldn’t stomach it while I was at the restaurant. I had noticed meat had been making me gag too, so to avoid all of that in public, I bought the steak home with me to eat later. It was better, but I had spread it out over the next two days. After talking to the doctor about some of my symptoms, they suggested I get meat from a meat market and limit my intake. I would go to Central Market, Whole Foods and I tried several meat markets but there was no noticeable difference. I started looking at vegan/vegetarian recipes, tweaking things like adding chicken or seafood until one day I realized I was eating meat sporadically. More than anything, “Topo Chico” held me over and got me through. I had slowly stopped eating dinner, I never really ate breakfast or lunch per se like that anyway, until it slowly became this fixation on weird little things to eat…. but rarely ever do I eat a actual meal now.
I did this while still seemingly being connected to the people I was coming to learn where really not my people. Of course when they see you moving in a direction opposite of them, they try to pull you back with them. This time I was determined. I changed my habits for the better, I said I was only going to go out to eat when I wanted to. I was not going to eat with people who was inconsiderate or trying not to acknowledge the fact I lost 60lbs. I did not do all that work for nothing. it was a slow process, but during it, I was learning to keep my boundaries up, it was breaking my heart, nobody was telling me good job or ‘woo-woo’-ing on me like they had in the past…..that’s when it really started, me staying to myself and doing things with my baby only. He became my best little riding buddy and we did everything together during this period. I really really start looking at my journey as a single parent and started becoming proud about that. I kept on having small wins that no one encouraged me over but that time with my baby was everything to me. His little eyes seems to say all the things I needed to feel and I was glad I was able to run and play with him like a big ole kid at the places he like to go. I didn’t get to have “my summer”, still haven’t gotten to, but now I don’t think I really want to…….
This Spiritual Journey has taught me the most important thing: Go in Flow. I didn’t know it then, but my body had been trying to get me to go in flow by refusing the food. I forced it with liquor until the heart palpitations scared me to stop drinking the liquor as much. As much as I would like to say I was a big girl and decided to stop drinking liquor, I only slowed down and rewarded myself with clear liquor or wine until I got down to my desired weight. I had to learn some lessons the hard way to finally stop drinking liquor. I plan on drinking in the future, just not now.
My whole relationship with food is pretty much non-existent. I buy what I want to eat when I feel like eating and truthfully that’s almost every two days now. It doesn’t matter if it is something I craved, if I get a hint of nausea I stop eating. My favorites are sandwiches from Katz’s and Jersey Mikes and I stick to the mini’s, if I get the regular I usually can’t stomach it. I stopped buying as many groceries, since I was wasting food, but I usually go every 2-3 days looking for something different for my taste buds. I eat a lot of yogurt, drink a lot of mineral water and skillet fried toast has become somewhat of a staple for me. I tried a chicken wing from our favorite wing place yesterday and couldn’t finish it…..it might just be a milkshake or two before the end of the week, like a chocolate cheesecake shake from Katz’s. Sometimes I’ll throw some vegetable and rice in there to help me stay regular, but I don’t worry too much about my diet nowadays. I just go with what I feel and I have been fine for over the last year. Lost a bit more weight because of it, I don’t mind it, but now I got to incorporate some type of exercise to help plump my behind up, it’s getting a big lost with all these changes!!! Oh yeah, my skin is so pretty now too, some of that may be due to Mary Kay but I know a lot of this glow is coming from me finally stepping into my purpose and following my dream.
