Romantic Love is a trick….
Whew! This is something I have paid attention to for so long that also sort of caused me to lose my virginity later compared to some of my peers…..I never thought a “Relationship” was where it was at. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in a relationship with the love of my life….I just thought it was crazy how the people in relationships around me got in them as a way of finding out who they are…and with what I think now, I know there are times and periods for any type of relationship and it is not expected to be forever just because people grow and think differently. But what did I do?… at 25, I went against my on belief because of the guilt I felt over an abortion…….I felt that if I “flew” straight, things would feel better for me. There were only temporary highs in that relationship but the emptiness never left. I’ve been figuring out, just who I am in these last eight years, standing on me, what relationships that have come in the last year served its purpose but I definitely learned to never chase anything or anyone in hopes of a good feeling, I’m learning to find that within me.
When I got in high school, those boys were beginning to be built nice, fine, I even imagined myself with one or two of them. But by 10th grade, I determined none of them were worth me losing my virginity over, fine or not. They were jerks who were treating the girls worse and worse…I said I could wait. That’s why I thought it was a joke when one of them actually stepped past the foolishness and really approached me. He was the right size for me and fine!!! I was tough even then. I think that was the only reason he bought and did things for me because I made them guys work for my attention and a lot of them just ignored me because of it. I kissed on him, even let him touch my little chest and butt at the time, but I grew bored with him so fast and sex wasn’t a option. I started asking myself what was it I wanted from guys then? I stayed to myself in that regard over the years until college, but I was already thinking having a guy was something that was a “as-needed” basis for me, I wasn’t dependent on the compassion or love from one, I wanted it, but reasoned with myself they don’t have it to give so I never sought it……see how growing up without the direction of a loving father can lead one to that conclusion???
I don’t want to go down that path more so than I want to express, the idea of being in a “relationship” is thrown at us before most people know who they are….but I always knew who I was in that regard. I knew I wasn’t going to take anyone I’m in a relationship with bullshit!!! So many of the people I have hung out with over the years have tried to convince me of things like, “well you haven’t had the right one” or “You don’t know until you try” and I’m like but why would I??? Many of the so called friends gave me flack for dismissing some of the guys that have come to me over the years….why would I play games with someone I’m not interested based on whatever? Sometimes, I would look at a guy and be like no, hear them talk, see how they treat waitstaff, when I see little things with certain guys, absolutely not, not a “yes let me save this individual or take a chance on them!!!!”
Shoots and then think about when you grow and experience new things….how you evolve, how your partner might not, what then? We are tricked into staying and working on relationships some of us should have never entertained!!!! That’s what keep some in cycles!!!!
(This is why I want to do video sometimes on these topics because I am getting so excited and I feel I might go all over the place——but here goes!!!!!)
I will speak from only my point a view and not a generalized view…..I saw how each and every relationship, from my first little high school boyfriend, to my college boyfriend, to my ex husband, to my situation-ship have tried to keep me back from….me. They all convinced me to settle down in a sense, wanted me to be like other women, expected my fire to die down by the things they did to me. I have had a period of being celibate 7 years {(6 yrs) and (1yr)} and I see how my mind has expanded. In the 7 year period, I came to grips with me, my sexuality, decided 2 years after my divorce, only to date women….before the 6th year of my celibacy, the person I manifested in 2009, entered my world. In this last year, I have come to several small truths about myself that has refined what I am now looking for. It is still a woman, but many of the lessons I had to learn via my birth portal and that attachment over the last year, have taught me to stand in who and what it is I really want. What I will accept of one, I will accept of all, so be very careful who I deal with in every part of my life……every part of my life. That is mentally, sexually, physically, emotionally…..every freaking part.
That is going beyond the tricks, taking a stand in everything, no matter how hard the illusions get at you. I got the girl of my dreams, do you hear me, my DREAMS!!!!! Oh my god, my awakening probably started after my first orgasm from her, shoots I don’t know!!! It was fucking heaven for like longer than I expected truthfully. I knew what her intentions was before it even happened, I liked her as a friend but I did want to go beyond that and I chose to…. I knew deep down she thought she hit a lick or so with me. But I made the decision ultimately to have the experience…..I just didn’t think it would last or be as deep as I expected. The less she talked the better, I would always be reminded WHY I shouldn’t take anything she said seriously, but looking in her eyes……..I would always feel them on me and when I looked or glanced in them, there was something there that was pleading, even in awe at times….I don’t know, it was like “22 from soul” when she was trapped in her thoughts at times too…..something that just made me want to hug her…..those are the eyes you avoid looking into while you are having sex because……iykyk…..sigh.
I have reasoned with myself that I got the girl of my dreams based on what I manifested and was attached to at the time. The Universe saw it, I was in alignment with who and what I was, the request, and made a way for that shit to happen which it eventually did—-(Eleven years later!!!!!) lol. If I decided to tell you how we met, you would understand how back in 2009 I never thought I would get with someone like her, to how it actual happened…goodness grief. I remember the first time we met even then, I was a weirdo and shook her hand for some reason, (I didn’t tend to touch ppl in certain situations, and this was one of them) but there was a shock between us and I in that moment I didn’t know how, but I knew I was going to get with her somehow. I just knew it!!! That’s how I know in these last two years of clearing out my energy, baby, they have not all been for nothing…..I am getting what I have put out there. I was shown something specifically before I quit my job and that is the faith that is getting me through it. I see how I have skipped hopped jumped to the decisions I am making now, and thought I needed a mini empire to even get this far!!!!! No more tricks, no more illusions, I’m standing in what I want from all angles and trust me, AM GOING TO GET IT!!!!!!
The wrong relationships are tricks to keep you in cycles; the right relationships help you grow to be the best you can be….I would have been damned looking into her eyes too deep….to be trapped in a relationship where her actions are just like the guys I was in relationships with???? No thanks, I know who the fuck I am and what I really want. I want a woman that will give me as much as the world I give her and guess what? It will happen.
